Learning From a Crush

SONG: Brand New Colony
ALBUM: Give Up
BAND: Postal Service

LOCATION: everywhere , SF Bay Area
TAGS: cynicism, Postal Service, love, relationships
PUBLISHED: October 4, 2008


It’s difficult, if you’re of a certain age group, to not have memories associated with this album. The bf has memories of his Ex. I have memories of a Crush. JamsBio has had a few memories attached to this album as well. You can’t avoid it: this album was unabashedly emotional in a real way. This album was eveything I love: beautiful, sad and true.

I was in a horrible mood from Fall 2003 into 2004. I had just gotten out of a crappy relationship that really messed with my self-esteem and I had this cynicism that loomed over me, tainted everything I saw. I loved certain songs on “Give Up” for its romantic way of looking at things, but reveled in the darker themes of the album. These songs spoke to me more than anything.

Around this time I had decided that my favorite song on the album was “This Place Is a Prison.” Cheerful, right?

“this place is a prison, these people aren’t your friends /
inhaling thrills through $20 bills and the /
tumblers are drained and then flooded again and again…”

I had a discussion with an old crush of mine, one who I hadn’t spoken with in some time. We got to talking about this album and got into a discussion of our favorite songs. I mentioned this song as my favorite and he scrunched his face a little at my selection. I pointedly asked him what his favorite song was, to which he countered with: “Brand New Colony.”

I mentioned all sorts of aspects of the song to dissuade him (the Tetris-y sounds, the corny lyrics), but he was undeterred. He was determined to pull me onto his side of things, the light to my (then) dark. He told me of how it’s a romantic song, not corny, and how as a guy you want to be all of these things for a girl — waterwings, phonographs, platform shoes — to be there for someone and be your own little unit. A brand new colony, I suppose.

I dismissed him and his ideas, but inwardly I wished I could see things his way. Where had I gone wrong with my thinking that I scoffed at such romantic notions? I playfully called him names for choosing such a wimpy song, but I cringed at how I had taken my romantic life (thus far) so hard. I thought of the last relationship that left me pessimistic and how, even my (earlier) unrequited crush with this boy had adversely affected me.

And I found myself wondering: Why was he able to be optimistic and happy about love and I wasn’t?

After that discussion, I felt myself loosening up and really listening to “Brand New Colony.” I decided that I didn’t have to let myself feel so horribly about love and people. I didn’t have to let myself feel more hurt than necessary. I fell out of crush with this boy, but I learned a lot about optimism and happiness from him. Once I let myself fall in love, I finally understood. I found somone that I felt Brand New Colony-ish about, and learned that I (too) could be unabashedly, scarily, and wonderfully in love.

“I want to take you far from the cynics in this town /
and kiss you on the mouth. /
We’ll cut our bodies free from the tethers of /
this scene, start a brand new colony. /
Where everything will change, we’ll give /
ourselves new names. Identities erased. /
The sun will heat the grounds, under our bare /
feet in this brand new colony. /
This Brand new colony…”

Uncertainty Rears Her Ugly Head

SONG: In My Head
ALBUM: Rock Steady
BAND: No Doubt
LOCATION: east bay area | Los Angeles , CA
YEAR: 2002
TAGS: No Doubt, relationships
PUBLISHED: September 24, 2008


You know you have gold when you re-purchase an album. Or, at least, you have so many memories tied in with it, that your fingers can’t let go of the CD and you find yourself paying money to hear those memories in song form.

I hear this song now and I realize that I didn’t really appreciate this album for what it was when it was released. It was 80s music mixed with Reggae (which I wasn’t a big fan of) mixed with rock mixed with pop. And Gwen Stefani’s very confused girl-ish lyrics. I didn’t like anything about this album, really, except for the beats. The second time around, I find myself transported back to the times I was listening to it (college) and having Stefani’s lyrics haunt me. Instead of being a carefree college girl trying to hit the dating scene, I find myself in a situation similar to Stefani’s: being in a serious, long-distance relationship, wondering what your bf’s up to, trying to ignore all the topics that make you tingle with sensitivity.

“Long distance /
Don’t talk about / ex-girlfriends
Don’t talk about / you without me
Don’t talk about / your past

In my head
(It’s only in my head)
In my head
(It’s only in my head)…”

And this is an uncomfortable feeling and you cringe at Stefani’s ability to take those feelings and put them into a very listenable and catchy pop song. I find myself singing aloud to it as I drive through Los Angeles, thinking about Stefani et al. in Jamaica recording this album, far from Los Angeles (and Gavin Rossdale, presumably). If I allow myself to think about the words I’m singing along to, I cringe at the vulnerability a lot of the songs have in this album.

The softness of the words are hidden in a pop-ish, upbeat way and I often think that this is exactly how I am: I hide the vulnerability in a silly exterior. It’s safe and easy to digest. Most don’t often recognize it. The insecurities, the endless wondering about your future, of hiding from things you don’t want to think about.. it’s all in this album. I first thought about college when I started listening to this album again, but now I’m finding myself staring out while I listen.. and I’m hearing something entirely different.

Because there's nowhere else..

So, Jamsbio.com is being a bitch and taking all their user content down and focusing on being a “music magazine” (whatever that means) and they are telling all users to save their blogs about songs if they want to keep them.

What that means for you: emo bullshit on specific songs that I am re-posting on here because I can.

Why you care: you don’t. But I’m sharing anyway.

Sorry I keep trying to blog positively.

It’s all I can do to keep myself from giving everyone the finger.

Care Bear stare.

Love Life, Let It Love You Back.

instantvintage:

livesoundz:

Okay, with all bullshit aside, I know it’s safe to say that every person on this planet is somehow unsatisfied with some aspect of his or her life. We are not perfect people; we are always lacking that one piece of the puzzle (or many pieces) that we need to be able to complete the whole picture of ourselves. Even though we can get around with these “flawed” holes, it unfortunately drives us nuts. “Why can’t I do this? Why aren’t I more like that? Why am I like this?” Yeah, been there, done that.

Let me start:

• I suck at Circuits, and if my life depended on me figuring on the voltage coming out of an operational amplifier, or say, disarming a bomb (haha not really but hey), I would be completely fucked.
• I’m bad with money. Add that to a “go big or go home” mentality, and well, you probably understand.
• I don’t understand women.

For some people, life sucks when they can’t complete the picture. I admit that I even used to be like this when I was younger. I needed things to be perfect all the time; I always wanted everything in my life to run smoothly. If I didn’t do well on a test, if my dad got mad at me, if some girl that I was interested in LJBF’d me, or if someone didn’t get along with me, life sucked. The bad thing is that I used to be too over-analytical and over-sensitive, which probably only helped to magnify the level of lameness of the situation which I perceived.

You know what I realized when I came to college? Life ain’t pretty to begin with. You don’t get everything you want, you won’t understand all the things that you wish you did. And it’s not like there’s a magical solution for everyone’s troubles; we all have messed up situations, and they’re all unique for each and every individual.

There is one thing that helps though: realizing your self-worth. Realizing that there’s a huge piece of figurative pie waiting for you, whether or not you think you deserve it. Realizing that you are just as important as everyone else around you, regardless of wealth, race, gender, etc. Everyone’s in it to win it. What you need to see is that everyone can win, even with all the flaws or obstacles that may seem to plague your life.

Problems with grades and academics? Just do your best, and don’t give in to easier paths. You’ll figure out what works for you (sooner or later). Problem with relationships? You live and then you learn. Hopefully one day you’ll learn to love someone else with all your heart. Problems with distractions and other obstacles in life that keep you from becoming a better person? We all have our vices—just remember to keep them in check, and know when enough is enough.

And so, the moral of the story? Love life and don’t take it for granted. Sure, your puzzle is missing pieces, but it really doesn’t matter. Look at what you’ve got. For me, I have all the pieces I need: God, my family, my friends, my health. My puzzle definitely has holes in it; I hope to pick up more pieces as I move along in life. But the important thing is that I have learned to step back and see the whole picture. You can still see the big image with holes in it, and that’s all that really counts.

Love life, let it love you back. Love everything you have. Learn to appreciate beautiful things. Every day is a new day, so use every opportunity to better yourself. You will always continue to make mistakes; just make sure to learn from the fuck-ups of life.

you are my dude, JR, this just made my day *

I needed this. Thanks.

So, I was kinda in a "people are shit" mood tonight..

after reading this article and watching that new sex addict show with Dr. Drew, wherein everyone is an abuse/rape victim of some sort and are overcompensating with the sex, but the only thing that has managed to cheer me is this small corner of the Internet (that’s you, Tumblr!) that has some of the funniest, smartest and sarcastic people that I enjoy going through pages and pages of material to dig out the nuggets that I love to reblog.

But, yeah. Long story short: thanks.

I've been looking back at my old journal entries from 2001-2005...

and god, I was such an emo motherfucker.

*dislike*